How To Drink on the Job Without Getting Fired: Ghirardelli Cabernet Matinee

Nestled in the rolling hillsides above the Finger Lakes region in Upstate N.Y. are expansive fields of grapes. Their vines slink up strategically placed stakes, plucked only when perfect for a deep red merlot or skinny bottle of ice wine, which tastes heavenly drizzled over a scoop of vanilla ice cream. 

Each winery offers different varieties that, for a few dollars and a friendly chat, can be tasted along with cheeses, crackers, and chocolate that all enhance the flavors of each wine. 

My family is fortunate enough that we've been wine tasting up above Keuka Lake for as long as I can remember, and my favorite combination of drink and treat has always been a full-bodied red wine and dark-as-night chocolate. It's something about the smooth, bitter taste of the chocolate against a dry but fruity wine that just melts together so well. 

As much as I would love to share this exact experience with the Studio, I feel as if bringing in multiple bottles of wine to work at 1 PM on a Tuesday would be somewhat frowned upon by upper management. Luckily, we found a loophole.  

Ghirardelli Intense Dark Cabernet Matinee Chocolate (hints of blackberry, too)

No, it's not chocolate wine (though that does exist, but it shouldn't). It's dark chocolate infused with a "hint" of natural blackberry and grape flavor. Sorry, no alcohol here, but it gets the point across. The chocolate isn't as dark as I like; it's probably only about 70%, when I prefer 90%. And the grape flavor doesn't come through much. But it's still very tasty, and the sweet but sour blackberry essence comes through loud and clear, a nice note against the smooth, somewhat bitter chocolate. If you close your eyes, you may feel as if you've had a cheap wine tasting experience. 

Not exactly the real thing, but as you can see....

....no one is complaining. 

Rating: 6. No alcohol, no deep wine flavor, but it's an enjoyable bite. 

Unique to the Rescue! Pretzel Shells with Sriracha Dip

As much as I look forward these daily SnackDowns, I think I speak for everyone when I say my waistline does not enjoy it as much. I suppose it may be too much to ask for Honey-BBQ Brussels Sprouts or Spicy Frozen Grapes, but something's gotta give here or I'm going to start wearing stretchy maternity pants to work.

If only there were a snack that truly cared about the inner dieter in every Studio member. A customized snack that could fit any lifestyle and taste of the muncher without all those silly calories! Who among you has the strength of will and kindness of heart to bring humanity such a beautiful creation and not disappoint!?

Unique Pretzel "Shells" 

Genius. Pure genius. Who needs the tasteless, dry middle of a pretzel anyhow? You know you only eat it for the salty crunch, and these "Shells" are all salt, all crunch, no pointless calories. And you don't feel as guilty eating 3 (or 17) because they're really only like, what, 1/15th of a real pretzel each? They're not, in themselves, the most addictive, tasty snacks, but what hard piece of baked dough ever really is? The thing about these, though, is their shape. Like a little boat. Like they should be filled with some good guacamole, or cream cheese, or perhaps....

Rating: 6. Nothing to write home about...yet...

Dean's Sriracha Spicy Thai Chili Dip

Fun fact about Sriracha: The company has spent zero dollars on advertising. Its marketing was done primarily through word of mouth. That's how good Sriracha is. And it does not let us down in this dairy dip, adding its perfect combination of spicy heat and sweet taste to the creamy "skim milk" base (healthy!). Now, take one of those Pretzel Shells and scoop it so perfectly into the dip. You've just created your own stuffed pretzel rod, and man, is it good. Don't be afraid of the "spicy;" it's not a warning but an invitation to enhance your snacking experience ever so gently. Plus, the creamy base balances whatever heat you may find unsettling. 

The one thing that bothers me is the "Thai" in the title. When I think of thai, I think of peanuts and coconut milk, of which this dip has neither. But I will forgive Dean's their discretion, partly because two tablespoons of this stuff only has 50 calories. I think I can handle that. 

Rating: 8.75. But combined with the "Shells"? 9.5; we sold out!

Inception-Style Candies: A Snack Within a Snack

Poor Leonardo DiCaprio. No matter how many blockbuster hit movies he stars in, he never seems to impress the masses enough for an Oscar of his own. Just look at his sad, beautiful face: 

He's given the public the gift of his dedication, passion and talent so we can be entertained for hours and hours and what does he get in return!? Nothing but an internet meme and my undying love. 

What does this have to do with food, you ask? Well, food is my Kevin Bacon -- I can connect anything to it. Leo was in Inception, a fantastic movie about creating dreams within dreams in order to manipulate people's minds. What we tasted here in the Studio today was nothing short of a Snack within a Snack, and it certainly changed our perceptions of reality. 

(Stale) Mike and Ike Buttered Popcorn Flavor

Normally, we sample snack foods (e.g., potato chips) flavored with savory, "normal" food items (e.g., tomato and basil). But today, we went to a deeper level: Popcorn-flavored candy. Save $10 on that tub of popcorn at the movies by just buying this one SuperCandy! 

...except it's disgusting. 

Not even like, "Oh, it's just not my thing," unpleasant. I literally spit it out. It tastes like rock hard butter. Or even butter-flavored butter, it is THAT buttery. Melt it down and cook a steak in it, sure, but eating these Mike and Ikes straight up is just wrong. Alright, yes, they were stale (as the warning states), but I doubt a change in texture would have improved upon this much, if at all. 

Rating: 1.5. +.5 because watching people's reactions to biting into it was amusing.

Jelly Belly Ice Cream Parlor Mix (Brought to you by Cold Stone. Mmm....)

Once you've thoroughly cleansed your palate (with soap), you can try another adventure more likely to please: Jelly beans flavored like ice cream creations. Considering how popular ice cream is around here (coughMScough), it's no surprise these were a HUGE seller. Willy Wonka himself would be impressed with how Jelly Belly has successfully transferred all the childhood joys of a hand-mashed ice cream creation into a small sugar pill.

Birthday Cake, Chocolate Devotion and Apple Pie A La Cold Stone came out as the winners, but Strawberry and Mint Chocolate Chip were not left far behind. No losers in this bunch! 

Rating: 7. Interesting and yummy, but not addictive. 

Epic Meal Time Would be Sad: Snyder's Bacon Cheddar Pretzels

Sometimes I think I should have majored in psychology. I am intrigued by the inner workings of the human mind, both conscious and subconscious. I am also somewhat obsessed with food (I know, I know, you had no idea!), and one of the most popular foodie choices nowadays that can be found in breakfast foods to desserts is bacon. 

It has a cult following; people who love bacon really freaking love bacon. And the interesting thing to me, as a faux food psychologist, is that they would rather die than eat turkey bacon but they go gaga over things like this:

Snyder's of Hanover Bacon Cheddar Pretzel Pieces

Now, I'll give Snyder's some credit here: to my surprise, there is actual cheddar in this snack!! And what's more, you not only can see it, but you can taste it, too! Props to you, Snyder's. But the bacon is conspicuously absent, reminiscent of our "B"LT adventure. Though there is some sort of intangible smoke-like flavor that swirls around the cheesiness as you crunch down on the tiniest pretzel pieces ever known to man, apparently smashed by the Hulk. 

It's not very salty, and it's certainly not sweet, and though we went through the entire bag fairly quickly, no one seemed to be in love with them. Rather, they ate them because they were there. The See-Food Diet in action. 

Rating: 3. You'll eat five handfuls, but you won't know why. 

Back to Our Roots: The Return of Horseradish

It's strange to me how often horseradish is highlighted in snack foods (yes, fake sushi counts) when it is rarely, if ever, seen in a supermarket. Go ahead, look for it! Unless you're at a specialty market or the Holy Grail that is Whole Foods, you're unlikely to run across this root cousin of mustard and cabbage. 

And yet there it is, hiding in cheese (throwback time!), in "wasabi," and now, in potato chips.

HERR's Kettle Cooked Cheddar Horseradish Flavored Chips (emphasis mine, and for good reason)

Root-flavored roots, and yet they don't taste like dirt! Nor, ironically, do they taste like their namesake: Cheddar. In fact, they don't taste like much except the heated revenge of a vegetable that has been hiding in the shadows for far too long and feels it's time to shine. 

Brightly. 

Very brightly. 

Kick-you-in-the-face brightly. 

Because the moment this salty concoction hits your tongue, your mouth fills up with lava, and not the pleasant kind (though some passersby wholeheartedly disagreed, interestingly enough). It's an explosion of spicy and it does not fade for some time. "Maybe I just got a bad chip," you think to yourself, holding on to hope. And then you eat another and your hopes evaporate. Revenge of the horseradish. 

Except there's no horseradish. There are "spices," which is real specific, HERR's, thanks a lot. What, are you afraid we're going to try to replicate these at home, ruining your enterprise of too-ambitious potato chip flavors? Because we're not. And even if we did, we'd attempt to stay true to our roots and use real horseradish, like the true foodies we are. 

Rating: 3. Save your calories unless you enjoy being engulfed in flames. 

Mardi Gras in a Bag: Zapp's NOLA Kettle Chips

I watch a lot of Bizarre Foods. Not only because Andrew Zimmern is such a character, or because I enjoy watching people squirm as they eat balut for the first time, but also because I enjoy learning about different cultures. There's a reason Bizarre Foods, a consistently entertaining and educational show, is on the Travel Channel and not FN. I've seen Andrew eat homemade pho in Phucket, Thailand, filled my senses with the smells and sounds of a Chinese seafood marketplace. And some of the most fun (and best food) I've vicariously experienced (and eaten) was when he went to good ol' New Orleans, The Big Easy. 

Zapp's New Orleans Kettle Style Spicy Cajun Crawtators (aka Potato Chips)

Break out your Mardi Gras beads (however many or few you have lying around. No judgment here), we're headin' to Louisiana! Ok, maybe not really, but when you eat these chips and close your eyes, you can be transported to the street where the party never ends. Just the right amount of salty and spicy, they have a big Old Bay spice flavor, which does tend to dominate the food profiles of the Gulf Coast. Are they better than our original Old Bay Herr's Chips? I'm not quite sure. Perhaps this calls for a taste-off! 

For now, put on some brassy jazz and crunch away. 

Rating: 8. Welcome to NOLA.

Zapp's New Orleans Kettle Style Cajun Dill Gator-Tators (they don't bite)

You didn't think we'd stop at just one kind of chip, did you?? Introducing Gator-Tators (though these chips have nothing to do with alligators. At all. But it does rhyme!), crunchy and flavored with a very pungent dill spice dusting, reminiscent of Salt & Vinegar chips, if you were to dunk them in pickle juice. The scent really does travel down the hallway, inciting you to try just one... Surprisingly, they're very tasty! The word "zing" comes to mind, sharp and sour on the tongue but not overwhelmingly so like War Heads (is your mouth watering?). If you can't afford the trip down to New Orleans for some gumbo, this just might be the next-best thing. 

Rating: 9. Definitely better than balut. 

HERR's is Back in the Cheese Curl Game

We here at the Studio like to think we're nice people. We rescue kittens from trees all the time. And as nice people, we forgive and forget. So when HERR's, the company that brought us the atrocity that was Old Bay Seasoned Cheese Curls, came around with another creation, begging us to try it again, we didn't turn them away. We gave them a second chance. And the fact that they're cheese curls again really makes us saints. 

 HERR's Jalapeño Poppers Flavored Cheese Curls

The exchange was a win-win in this case. The crunchy curl creates an intriguing juxtaposition with the nacho-cheese flavoring, which evokes fond memories of neon yellow middle school lunches of nachos with that thick, creamy cheese (put that on a soft pretzel rod with a side of cold, mealy mashed potatoes, add in some mocking and ridicule and you've got my childhood). 

And then, of course, the jalapeño heat hits the back of the tongue, but not too hard that you can't enjoy the curls two, or three, or seven at a time. Spicy, cheesy, crunchy, and packed with flavor, these are perfect to accompany your next multi-hour (or multi-day) Netflix binge.

So HERR's, we forgive you. You've more than made up for your past mistakes. 

Rating: 8. We can trust again!

We Need Some More S'mores, Cause I Didn't Get Any

Camping sucks. You were all thinking it, I just decided to man up and say (write) it out loud. It's hot. It's dirty. There are bugs that fly smack into your face and just don't give a damn; they just keep buzzing along. The last time I went camping (after much cajoling by my camp-mates), I began the trip by stepping on a giant caterpillar that crunched and oozed, and ended it crying on the car ride home because I felt so incredibly disgusting from not showering for 4 days. 

Pleasant. 

But the one thing I actually do enjoy when roughing it in the great outdoors is fire. And, of course, the food that accompanies fire. Hot dogs. Baked beans. And that do-it-yourself, cook-it-on-a-stick, miraculous dessert combination that is marshmallow, chocolate, and graham cracker. S'mores. 

Keelber S'mores Original Flavor (no stick required)

Apparently, a lot of other people love these iconic treats, too, because they were all gone by the time I went to taste them! Luckily, our Studio is full of food critics who have enlightened me as to what I missed out on. Turns out, they were awesome. These S'mores cookies have soft graham cracker inside, a slight twist on the traditional crispy cracker, but one that makes all the difference here, and for the better. The cream inside is not an ooey-gooey pull-apart marshmallow, a detriment to the cookie experience. It's more like Oreo cream. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but if Keebler was going for a real s'mores taste, they dropped the ball there. 

The elves' specialty, the fudge (not chocolate, people! FUDGE) coating is nothing less than sublime (or so I'm told...). 

Just light a pine-scented candle and dab on a bit of bug-spray perfume and you've got yourself a mini camping trip. Rating: 7.5. Could it get any better?

Keebler S'mores Peanut Butter Flavor (say what??!)

When I say I'm obsessed with peanut butter, I really mean it. I literally eat it every single day and I have for as far as I can remember. How I never thought to slather some peanutty goodness on a s'more is beyond me, but Keebler did it. Very successfully, I might add. But it looks like the PB replaced the marshmallow in this case, which caused Keebler to miss out on a great opportunity and a higher rating. Tsk, tsk.

And could you IMAGINE what would have happened if we had put this in the MICROWAVE for just a few seconds?! Ooey gooey fudge and peanut butter melting over soft, warm graham cracker? 

We need to do this experiment again. You know, for science. Rating: 9. PB always wins. 


EDIT: BH was nice enough to bring out some more S'mores and let me try them! And it turns out my ratings may have been slightly inflated. The lack of real marshmallow taste in the original flavor, replaced by legitimately Oreo cream, is off-putting; really the graham cracker (a bit too crumbly?) is the only real 's'mores' flavor you get. To be fair, I didn't try the PB one, but I think I'll just let that live as a legend in my imagination. 

Sweet with a Crunch and a Kick: Honey Sriracha Kettle Chips

There are some snacks that you mindlessly shove into your face by the fistful while watching 4-hour marathons of Law & Order: SVU (dun DUN!) until you reach into the bag and hit the greasy bottom, surprised you ate the whole thing. "It wasn't even that good," you lament.

And then there are some snacks that demand attention. Like soft-serve vanilla ice cream on a waffle cone on the first really hot day of summer. Or a steaming cup of silky hot chocolate, warming your hands as the snow falls.

And now, there's this: 

HERR's Extra Crunchy Kettle Cooked Honey Sriracha Potato Chips

These tasty bites have pulled "Mm"s and "Oh!"s from each participant in our food adventure today. Usually both from the same person, just 2 seconds apart. The honey sweetness is the initial taste, which, in my opinion, tastes very familiar; almost like duck sauce at a Chinese restaurant. Then the complexity builds with a sriracha wave of heat that sticks to your tongue. 

Each chip is an experience in itself -- this is certainly not a chip you can eat in large quantities. Multiple people have expressed how, though they really like it, they have to rest in between bites. Now that's a snack worth a few minutes of your time. 

Rating: Perfect 10. No complaints, just audible crunching. 

We're not big endorsers here, but we really do recommend picking up a bag.  

Guacachip Proves It's Not Easy Being Green

I remember the very first time I had guacamole. I was 17 years old, and after many wasted years of avoiding it (for what reasons, I can no longer fathom), I took a bite and was hooked. The freshness. The trademark green-ness. It's salty, it's creamy, it's exotic and it's versatile. Spicy, sweet, with corn or salsa mixed in, the illustrious avocado dip could do no wrong! 

El Sabroso Original Guacachip (With Real Avocado powder)

...or so I thought. Introducing the Guacachip (rhymes with rocketship to mediocrity), the latest and greatest invention from the minds of the lazy. Why take the time to pick out just-ripe-enough avocados, squeeze the limes, grind the sea salt and add the love necessary for some legitimate mole when you can just crack open a bag?

Yes, they are the same color as guacamole, but the likeness pretty much ends right there. The taste is either overwhelmingly salty or underwhelming in that it just tastes like a plain old tortilla chip. The "guacamole flavor" comes from sour cream, cheddar cheese (??) and "avocado powder," whatever that's supposed to be. Perhaps if you dip the chip in some actual guacamole, it would enhance the guac flavor. But alone, it's just a downright disappointment.*

Guacachip is like imitation crab meat; sure, its flavor profile maybe could pass for the real thing, but when Alaskan King Crab is on the menu, it'd be a sin to order anything else. Rating: 2. Just...no.

*It's been brought to my attention that I am, perhaps, a guacamole snob. I do not deny these claims. Rather, I invite everyone to be more cautious and careful in their guac choices. This is not a good guac choice, nor a good life choice.

Lay's Plus RITZ: A Vegan BLT

Trying to eat healthier, but falling to temptation time and time again? Are you sick of people telling you to eat more vegetables? (Seriously, you're an adult. You do what you want, gosh darnit!) Then throw away that limp, tasteless rabbit food and grab a bag of Lay's Garden Tomato & Basil: All vegetable, all vitamins, no guilt!

Lay's Garden Tomato & Basil Chips (Hey, potatoes are vegetables, too.)

Okay, so maybe this isn't the new diet fad to sweep the nation, but there is a picture of a tomato on the bag. That has to count for something, right? You're going to want to convince yourself these are just little crunchy V8 Juices because you're going to eat far too many of them. Not too salty, the tomato-basil flavor definitely shines through, though it does come in layers: tomato first, so barbecue comes to mind. But once the basil hits, just add some mozzarella and you've got a nice Caprese salad going on. Rating: 9. Pretend it's healthy. We won't tell. 

RITZ Bacon Crackers (Sans bacon. Vegans rejoice! Everyone else, not so much.)

What goes best with artificial tomato flavor? Artificial bacon flavor, of course! Alone, this RITZ Bacon cracker is sub-par. Yes, it tastes sort of like bacon, if you have only eaten burnt bacon bits off of a dirty floor your entire life. But it mostly tastes like a cracker left in a smoker. Which makes sense, because there's no bacon in it. Just "smoke flavoring," because apparently RITZ thinks we're dumb and can't tell the difference. Shame on you, RITZ! 

But with a stroke of creative, hunger-fueled genius, you can combine Lay's and RITZ's powers and KABLAM! Instant BLT sandwich! We've gotten mixed reviews on the mini-sandwich; to some, it's a godsend, while others scoff and complain of a lack of mayonnaise (which, frankly, would make the entire thing quite disgusting, if you ask me). But in general, this Diner-inspired combo gets a big thumbs up. 

Rating Alone: 4. Needs more pig and fewer lies. 

Rating Together: 7.5. Not the real thing by a long shot, but good when a craving hits.