It must be magic: Zapp's Voodoo Chips

I have no witty introductions this time. Honestly, I just want to start talking about how great this chip is.

A cousin to Zapp's other New Orleans' specialties, the Voodoo Chips have quite an interesting pattern on the bag.

Zapp's New Orleans Kettle Style VOODOO Chips

I haven't seen so many voodoo dolls since three of my friends all got dumped in the same week back in high school. But they add to the mystique of the chips, and certainly do catch the eye. Maybe you need some help first picking up a bag, but later, you'll need help putting it down.

Intentional or not, I taste two different kinds of chips in this. I like to think it's intentional (a sort of "hocus pocus" type of thing) and not that my taste buds are untrustworthy. The initial taste is rather vinegary, awakening the palate, if you will. But then you start to think, "Wait, this tastes like barbeque, too."

Salt & Vinegar to BBQ with the sweet constant of Kettle flavorings. A tasty transformation sans the witch's cauldron.

If I had to say a negative, it would probably be the greasy factor, which is a tad high. Otherwise, a great snack for when you just can't decide which chip type you wanna munch on today.

Rating: 8. Zapp's knows what they're doing when it comes to Orleans' style chips!

Saya Snow Pea Crisps, With a Secret Ingredient...

I watch a lot of Food Network. Like, a lot. On any given night, it's either Food Network, Travel Channel (because Man vs. Food or Bizarre Foods is on), or Keeping Up With the Kardashians (I love to hate them). And though Good Eats (remember when Alton Brown wasn't a total jerk?) will always hold a special place in my heart, Iron Chef has wiggled its way in, too. 

The chef-testants use the secret ingredients (anything from milk to goji berries to lobster) in such creative ways, making absolutely mouth-watering entrees and desserts while I sit at home eating leftover mac n' cheese. 

It seems the people over at Saya snack company gave their cooks a secret ingredient, too. And they put it into this:

Saya Snow Pea Crisps (A whopping 170g of them!)

Snow Pea Crisps. Baked snow peas, though they no longer look at all like snow peas. Or feel like snow peas. Or, frankly, taste like snow peas. Their taste and texture is very similar to Veggie Straws, though they crumble a bit more in the mouth, which isn't exactly unpleasant, but I wouldn't put it in the press release.

They could do with a bit more salt, as well. It seems to be really all or nothing here at the Studio; either we're drowning in the Dead Sea or in bland land. I got one tiny grain of salt on my Crisp and it did elevate my experience, slightly. But generally the snack is...blah. Kinda like unbuttered popcorn. You'll eat it because you're bored. 

And the secret ingredient? There is tunafish extract in this. I'm not kidding. Why? I have no clue. You don't taste it. It doesn't add protein or anything useful (like salinity). It just pushes vegan clientele away. 

Rating: 3. Totally not worth the calories or dead fish, but they're there when you're bored.

Jolly Time Corn on the Cob Pop Corn is Wrong on So Many Levels

Anyone who has seen me in public in the last 12 years would have no idea, but I actually have insanely curly hair. If I scrunch my hair in my hand after I get out of the shower, when it dries, I look like this poodle: 

Although not half as adorable.

Instead, I take a sizzling hot bar of iron and force my hair to obey to my own standards of beauty that require straight hair. No curls allowed. 

Meanwhile, women spend hundreds, even thousands of dollars on curling irons, volume cream and perms so their straight hair will look just like my natural hair. Just another reason women are insane (myself included). 

My point is, the grass is always greener on the other side. People always want what they don't have, and it seems that inanimate snacks are no different.  

Jolly Time Corn on the Cob Pop Corn (A Barrel of Fun!)

That's right. This is popcorn that wishes it had never been popped. It envies the fresh, buttery ear of corn, bursting with sugary juices that now exist only in its memories. But instead of wallowing in self-pity, the popcorn bought some butter-flavored cologne and pepper-speckled jewelry and voila! Corn flavored corn (similar, as you may recall, to our root flavored root.) 

It has an interesting flavor. Most people didn't seem to like it...and yet they kept eating it. Mumbling through mouthfuls about how "weird" and "gross" it was. Personally, I took one bite and that was enough. 

It smacks you in the face with corn; frankly, it's trying way too hard to be something it's not. And the flavor, which is literally exactly like an ear of grilled corn, stays for much longer than you want it to. Your mouth gets confused. Popped corn is not the medium that should carry that kind of flavor experience. 

And yet people just could not stop eating it. 

And what is this "Barrel of Fun" nonsense? Corn doesn't come in barrels as far I know. Monkeys are a barrel of fun. If this was banana flavored, maybe the whole "barrel" thing would fly. But it's not. The entire thing just makes no sense whatsoever. 

Rating: 2. Go back to being popcorn, Popcorn. We like you just the way you are.   

The Official Potato Chip of Summertime: Maui BBQ

Ah, Hawaii. 

Soft, warm sandy beaches and palm trees swaying in the slight breeze. Sunsets over the horizon that turn any man into an optimistic philosopher. The sweet taste of frozen pina coladas at the snap of your fingers. Hawaii is the ultimate paradise, a relaxing summer escape from the noise and headaches of corporate life. 

Great for when you have $30,000 burning a hole in your pocket. 

And when you have a total vacation budget of $3.75, grab a bag of summertime, instead.

Utz Kettle Classics: Maui BBQ Chips

Utz promises a "fusion of sweet & sour," and as is customary with their Kettle Classics, they deliver. An initial taste similar to our overall winners, Honey & Sriracha Chips, it starts off kinda like duck sauce, or sweet & sour sauce (which makes sense). 

The thing that doesn't make sense is the name. BBQ? Where's the BBQ flavor? Ok, so there's paprika in it, but some red spice does not a backyard barbecue make. And the Maui. Exactly what in this is supposed to transport me to Hawaii? The sugar? (Because there is sugar, and not even "organic cane sugar" or anything that's supposed to sound "clean.") I guess the citric acid might lend a fruity undertone, but a blindfolded taste test would not result in a Hawaiian barbecue description. 

Don't get me wrong, they're delicious! Addictive, even. Tangy, salty, crunchy, sweet, all the things you want in a summertime snack. But they've been given a misnomer that will surely draw first-time buyers in but may cause Utz to lose some repeat business to a feeling of abused trust. 

Rating: 8.75. Change the name and we're good to go. 

Rankings of the 25 Studio Snacks

Wonder where your favorites (and not-so-favorites) rank in my strange foodie mind? Below is a comprehensive list of the snacks I've reviewed from our Studio adventures, listed from the ones I just could not stomach to the ones I would buy in real life. 

Totally in sync with my tastes? Think I'm crazy? Either way, let me know!

Without further ado, the list. 

-KW

Studio Snacks Rankings From Least Tasty to Most Delicious

25.  On the Border Guac Blast Chips (which earned a score of nothing but disappointment)

24. Mike & Ike Buttered Popcorn Flavored Candy

23. Guacachip

22. Herr’s Old Bay Cheese Curls

21. Snyder’s Bacon Cheddar Pretzels

20. Herr’s Kettle Cheddar Horseradish Chips

19. Keebler S’mores (Both Original and Peanut Butter)

18. Ritz Bacon Crackers

17. Herr’s Old Bay Popcorn

16. Trader Joe’s Wasabi Seaweed Snack

15. Unique Pretzel “Shells”

14. Ghiradelli Cabernet Matinee Dark Chocolate

13. Cabot Horseradish Cheddar Cheese

12. Jelly Belly Ice Cream Parlor Mix

11. Utz Dark Russet Chips

10. BLT Combination of Lay’s Garden Tomato & Basil Chips and Ritz Bacon Crackers

9. Utz Sweet Potato Chips

8. Zapp’s Spicy Cajun Crawtators Potato Chips

7. Herr’s Jalepeno Poppers Chips

6. Herr’s Old Bay Potato Chips

5. Triscuit Wasabi & Soy Sauce Thin Crisps

4. Sriracha Spicy Thai Chili Dip

The Top Three…

3. Zapp’s Cajun Dill Gator-Tator Chips

2. Lay’s Garden Tomato & Basil Chips

And the Number One Snack that earned a perfect 10 score is…

1. Herr’s Extra Crunchy Honey Sriracha Chips

Thank Utz for Crunchy Sweet Potatoes!

Quick: think of a television comedy with an attractive wife and an overweight husband. Think of an inevitable episode where that husband was told he needed to lose weight. What was he eating? Scratch that, what was his wife putting in his lunch bag that he was so very sad and embarrassed about that he probably threw away on his way to McDonalds?

Something along the line of puffed rice crackers, grapefruit, limp celery sticks and 

overcooked chicken breast, right?

These depressing and rather infuriating misrepresentations of healthy eating are everywhere, and it puts people off from actively taking an interest in their health. I'm here to tell you that there's a better, absolutely delicious way. And you don't even have to give up that afternoon salty snack (I swear this isn't a Special K Diet commercial). 

Utz Kettle Classics Sweet Potato Edition (hand not included)

Now there is some debate as to whether or not Sweet Potatoes are actually healthier than regular white Russet Potatoes*, but for the sake of argument, let's just say they are. And Utz really lets their sweet but earthy flavor shine here; like other Kettle Classics, there are no extraneous ingredients or preservatives, just potato, salt, and a bit of peanut oil. 

The crunchy orange bites are not greasy in any way, shape or form, which really adds to the whole "They're totally healthy for me!" thing. And they're all twisty and folded over, so they really crunch well! 

No, they're not exactly the greasy, overly salty, stick-to-your-face potato chips you're used to, but they're definitely tasty and you'll feel better for eating them. 

Rating: 8. I'd eat these in real life! 

*For anyone who actually cares... They're pretty much the same in terms of macronutrients, but a 

100 g serving of Sweet Potatoes has 283% of your daily vitamin A intake (responsible for healthy vision and immune function, among others), while regular potatoes have 0%. They also have slightly more calcium, fiber and magnesium, but Russets have more potassium, vitamin C, and vitamin B6. Sweet Potatoes also have more sugar (4.2 g vs. 0.8 g); no misnomer there. They're both good sources of carbs and starches, so if you're getting ready for a triathlon anytime soon, either will do just fine.

Utz Sold Us Burnt Potato Chips and We Thanked Them: Dark Russets

"Waste not, want not." My dad says that all the time. It might just be an excuse to eat that last chocolate chip cookie that fell on the dirty kitchen floor, but he does say it. And when it comes to food, it really does apply. Did you know that carrot tops are pretty delicious and versatile? Or that, once you're done making your homemade guacamole (which I'm sure you're all doing now, right?), avocado seeds can be pulverized and put into smoothies for a crazy awesome nutrition boost? 

And then what about cooking "mistakes"? No such thing. I know some people who fight over the hot dog that got burnt the most on the grill, or the driest piece of chicken. So when utz accidentally over-cooked a batch of their potato chips, they didn't just throw them away! Instead, they came up with this:

Utz Kettle Classics Gourmet Dark Russets 

Their ingredients are exactly the same as their Original variety: "Whole fresh potatoes, sliced and cooked in 100% pure peanut oil, with sea salt added." But as we all know in Advertising, just slap the word "gourmet" on anything and add some flair to the font and you could sell water to a drowning man. 

I mean, burnt potato chips? How good could they be?

As it turns out, pretty darn good! Crunchy, crispy, maybe a bit too salty, which is a bit unusual for sea salt, which is known to be a bit more subtle than your average table NaCl. Guess they really poured it on to mask the overdone-ness, but it's not off-putting. They're pretty addictive, when it gets down to it. 

And I have to say, from a nutritional standpoint, I appreciate the lack of unnecessary and damaging preservatives, sugar, or "natural flavoring," whatever that means. Plus, they're gluten-free! Cholesterol-free, too, but don't get me started on that one.

Rating: 7.5. They're nothing out of the ordinary, but they do taste good! 

Trader Joe's Wasabi Seaweed. Give it a chance!

In my time spent roaming the NYC streets, looking for something that would kill 4 or 5 hours between an initial audition and dance call back (which was always so, so embarrassing), I would always pass three businesses that, without fail, had a long line in front of them: ShakeShack, The Book of Mormon's box office, and Trader Joe's. 

Now, if you have never had the pleasure of entering a TJ's, let me paint a picture for you. You walk into the produce section, filled with fabulously overpriced organic, non-GMO fruits and vegetables. Behind that is a little tasting section that I have only ever seen serve pie (and I go at 8 AM). To your left is a long bookshelf of breads, naans, muffins, wraps and gluten-free offerings, all of which still have wheat in them. And they're all around $6 each.

As you wander through the center aisles, you see the usual (oats, coffee, cookies, tea), but Trader Joe's also does this thing where they, and only they, offer these special snacks that are straight up addictive. Have you seen this?

  

It's Cookie Butter. You read that right. It's freaking whipped cookie dough, "reminiscent of gingerbread," that you can eat straight out the jar as you journey one step closer to diabetes. But it's so, so very much worth it. 

Except we didn't try that. 

We tried this:

Trader Joe's Wasabi Roasted Seaweed Snack

A lot of people turned up their noses at this one. Heck, we even put out an original flavored Seaweed Snack and we had to put it away because people were so angry towards it. But I gotta tell you, once you give it a try, it's really quite tasty. 

The spicy wasabi flavor on this extremely prominent, but it doesn't completely wipe out the ocean taste of salty seaweed any sushi lover has come to enjoy. The seaweed itself is super duper thin, so it just snaps and disintegrates in your mouth. Personally, I really liked it - a healthy potato chip alternative! Finally! 

Hey, I wonder what's in this to make it so tasty. Must be Stevia and all-natural, real wasabi.  

Let's check the ingredient label. 

"Dried seaweed, canola oil, sugar--". Crap. 

Well, nobody's perfect. Maybe now that it's not so healthy, you'll give it a chance, huh?

Rating: 6. It's no Cookie Butter, but it packs a flavor punch. 

Oh no, not this again. Guac Blast Tortilla Chips: A Review

Sit down. We need to talk. 

I'm not angry, but I am disappointed in you, America. You can do much better than this. You're just not trying hard enough; your heart just doesn't seem to be in it anymore. What happened? Where did we, as loyal consumers, fail you that you thought this mediocre product would be acceptable? Would even, dare I say, be enjoyable? 

You know what I'm talking about, America. 

No?

Please, don't play games with me. 

You do know what I'm referring to. Don't talk back to me!

What was that? Don't mumble, now. 

"You tried your best." 

You know, I wish I could believe you. But I have more faith in you than that, America. 

You can certainly do better than this:

(sigh) On the Border Guac Blast Tortilla Chips (::shakes head::)

A for Effort, I suppose. They're green, so that's something. But they taste like Doritos. That's it. And Doritos taste like nacho cheese. That's what they're supposed to taste like. We expect that when picking up an orange bag. But America, have you ever even made guacamole before? Ever smelled it? Tasted it? Because there is no nacho cheese in it. 

None. Zip. Nada.

I would say dry your eyes and get back on that horse, America, but perhaps it's time to put the whole "guacamole-flavored chips" a rest. Find a new hobby! Like, pottery making. Or basket weaving.

Rating: ...Let's just move on, shall we?